The clounds are never in the same position

I come, before you, gods and goddesses of nature, with my soul weary and lost. You hold me gently, brushing past my face just as you whistle past the leaves in the tree before me. Tonight, the air is cool, and the clouds are persistent in their movements. The rickets continue their chatter, and I hear the passing of cars in the distance. I want to la y down everything with you, I want to stop struggling so much, and I want to enjoy this life. There is a slight  chill in the air, not unfamiliar to me. Oh, summer, where have you gone? Perhaps because I've spent many a days inside, I have not played so much under your brilliance. My life moves ahead, and I can honestly say I have no idea where it will take me. I want to open up to you again, nature. I want to invite you back in my life, I want to be completely and utterly absorbed back into you. Being here, gives me a great sense peace. 

Watching the sky is like a transforming painting. The soft light of the sun creates pink hues on the clouds, while the wispy ones flow up high, and the gray bellies of low hanging clouds are scattered nearby. I've always wanted to be a part of the world. To sleep when the animals were sleeping, and to get up to greet a brand new day. Nature is the one thing that truly grounds me and offers me sanctuary when I am feeling broken apart. It's movements are slow, but deliberate, and it never hurries. Each day is 24 hours, and it conues to be here without any of our doing. What does it mean, to feel the very essence of life. What does it feel like to be fully alive, and present.

There, the glouds go again. Now there are gray clouds shaped like little rocks stacked upon each other moving in from the west. IT's almost time to say goodnight to another beautiful day. Thank you for allowing me to enjoy this day, for giving it to me as a present. I know I should not blame myself to living still, while so many others whom I bleieve are more deserving than I no longer have the opportunity to experience this life...but perhaps in antoher life, right?

Whenever I get tired of being an adult, I can come here, sit outside, and be comforted in the fact that I'm still a child, and always will be in the eyes and heart of mother nature. I know that I can trust in the Universe. I know that I just have to open up and be receptive to what it has in store for me. I need to let go of my own desires, and I know that I will feel that amazement when things happen. It's not just my own efforts, but it's coming in in surprising ways from the Universe. I remember feeling so lucky, and amazed at what was happening in my life. It was like discovering little presents along the way, just planted there for me to happen upon. I know that I'm not alone on thsi path, and I just need to let go.

To take the harder path?

(Courtesy of http://utusanpenasyamimi.blogspot.com/)

Here's a question I've been asking myself, and want to pose this question to you all. Would you rather study what you want (but it's so challenging and you feel like you could fail) or stay in an area where you know you would succeed? 

Ever feel like your brain is betraying you?

This is what I feel like when I'm studying for the MCATs. It's like I've reviewed the material over and over again, and like snow, it just melts away on the surface of my memory and in the hurry and under the pressure of the exam, I cannot recall a thing. It's as if I'm looking through a foggy window with a blurry vision, and I know the familiarity of the concept I learned, but I just have nothing to grasp onto. I hate feeling being stuck, as if I'm not improving, even though I've obviously been reviewing a lot. I wish I didn't psych myself out so much. If becoming a great doctor is my dream, how am I supposed to get there if I can't do well on the MCATS?

This is when it feels like your desire for success is being undermined by your own brain, and you don't know how else to train it to become more intellectually smarter. Sigh, I should not be complaining so much, but it's been eating away at me for some time, and I thought I would get it down on paper as a testamant..to the torturous process. I know it's just one stepping stone in this path, and I should be grateful and happy that I'm following my dreams, but it gets harder to keep up this mentality and motivation. But, again, one step at a time right?

I thought about all my friends who are getting jobs outside of college, who are going on fun dates with colleagues  exploring the nightlife and food outings. They might not LOVE their job, but they are independent, getting paid, and have time for family and friends. I compare that to the path I've chosen. A year out of college, then 4 years of med school, then at LEAST 3, but maybe up to 7 years of residency, and then finally coming out. It seems SO extreme and different haha. But I've learned the lesson long ago that everyone has their unique path, and I know I would not give up my love of medicine for a temporary job even if it paid me well. And you know what, those 7 years will go by quickly. I mean, I'm almost graduating, and I can still remember back to the days of my freshman year of high school which was 7 years ago, and I don't feel that different/like I've come that far. WHICH MEANS....which means I can be somewhere completely different in 7 years or I could be in the same place going around in a circle, feeling stuck, and dissatisfied  Sure it's a lot of work, but what isn't? Isn't it even more painful to be doing something over and over again that you don't like? I'm trying to learn from the mistakes of other people, those who had "wasted" time/taken the long winding road because they couldn't figure out what they wanted.

Good luck to everyone out there who is finding difficulty following their passions,  but is sticking to them because you know that it will bring you happiness and a one-of-a-kind sense of fulfillment you cannot get from elsewhere!