Being True To Yourself

This phrase has been thrown around, from parents to children, from the words wriggling off the pages of a self help book, echoed over and over in songs, that whenever someone asks what the best advice we can give anyone is, it's one of the first that comes tumbling off our tongues before we have time to revise what we want to say so it's not so cliche.

Yet, if this piece of advice is really so simple, why does it seem so little people can actually achieve it? And what does it even mean anyway? It seems like a pretty lofty thing to tell someone, as if, there's a "you" that's true, which is not the "you" right now, and you just need to be the "true" one. But there's no direction or compass to what being "true" is, how do you even know what that means?

Yet, if someone were to ask  me, I'd say it would be the single most important thing you can do for your life.

To be true to yourself is understanding what truly makes you happy, and following that advice above anyone else's. It's a feeling more than anything. A feeling of freedom, of relief that you are finally doing what you want, despite the fears you fear. You've read all those guides that suggests what's right for you, and you pick and choose snippets from it that really resonate with you, but how about making a unique guide that's exactly tailored for you, so you can filter out the rest of the things that don't apply to you.

The main thing I find myself doing when I am not sure of the path I cam taking, is to find confirmation from outside from some "higher authority" and only when they justify what I'm doing (or not doing), I am comfortable in knowing. But let me tell you, it doesn't feel good to make excuses, to pretend I don't want something. (Ie. I want to be a doctor, but I'll tell myself, ah, it's too difficult, the hours are long, you've heard of all those stories about people regretting the decision, and of the sacrificed relationships. Plus, people view doctors as being money hungry, are they even TRYING to cure disease or only treat it temporarily and to make more money.) I think if you look at any field, there will be people putting it down, but the thing is, they don't know what kind of doctor, artist, teacher, lawyer, business person, designer, researcher YOU could be, and are only projecting the reality they see from their tainted glasses. And that's exactly the risk you run doing (seeing through tainted glasses) when you decide to value someone else's opinion of what you should do with your life over your own.

I can't deny some of the things I want, but I'm afraid of failure if I pursue them, so I look for ways not to pursue them (oh, those people who value success aren't usually happy, focusing on relationships is what I should be doing), yet deep down, I know that my relationships would be a lot better if I weren't hiding away from my own perceived inadequacies, and that I'm using evidence from outside to stay where I am, not to take risks, pretending I'm happy when I'm really not. (Psh, but those people who pursue happiness to make money ultimately find that they're not. How do you know you won't be one of them?)

This comes down to, do you trust yourself?

It's not the success, the money, the power that corrupts, that is unless you believe that humans can't make conscious decisions for themselves. And sometimes when we spend so much time trying to learn from the mistakes of others, we forget to allow ourselves to make our own. Stop putting yourself on such a high pedestal!

Only you know if you're truly happy with the way things are going, or if you're making excuses not to grow, get out of your comfort zone, to fail or stumble. Be conscious of how much you want to share with people. In the beginning, before you are sure of your footing, sharing your true desires with others who don't understand your unique path can be difficult when they tell you can't, or shouldn't, and very quickly, you may begin to listen to them, lose confidence, and settle again. Make sure you can stand your ground and thank for them for their thoughts, but say you've made up your mind. You are the only one walking down this path. Some people believe that there are times you should listen to others if they're preventing you from walking down a wrong path, but in those cases, I still see that the bottom line, is you're not being honest with yourself, and others can see that clearly even if you may be blind to it, that you're not honoring your happiness and have gone wayward with your original desires and intentions. Thus, it's great when others are helping you to see that you're not being yourself, but only to that extent. Once you have felt again, your own inner power and voice, you have no need to listen to outside voices, they were simply to guide you back to your center, and from there, it's just you.

You think that by avoiding success, you are helping others, but how exactly does that help others? And you can criticize and feel smug in knowing that successful people aren't happy, but that's all feeding back to your fear of success, and until you deal with that, you're blocking happiness from yourself.

So yes, it's scary, letting go of other's directions, letting go of your illusion of security, and trusting yourself to see you through. When you shine that light out, others will feel it, the radiance, and understand why you are so confident in yourself. By being yourself, by being successful (whatever that means to you) means you allow others to do the same. But know, since each of our paths are so unique, we will have unique challenges that hold meaning to only us. We will stumble, and fall. But know that you don't need to compare yourself to others. If you let your focus drift, you're diffusing energy. Being successful, happy, with great relationships, while being kind to others and making a world a better place are not mutually exclusive. You can have it all. To not have it doesn't mean you're doing it wrong, it means you're on your way. I think, we were never meant to feel comfortable in one place for too long, our nature is to grow, to expand, to reach out into the cold darkness fumbling until we can grasp something warm. In the meantime, it doesn't mean you can't have "confidence" until you make it, but each new experience that you grew with adds on to that confidence.

So, face yourself, embrace yourself with all your faults, weaknesses, imperfections and know that they are not the things that will hold you back, but the keys to your growth and evolution and that's why you should smile and laugh because life is funny like that. Be kind to yourself as you work with yourself, as you would a child, a friend, a family member. And know that the journey of growth will never end, that once you've gained and overcome something, there will be another challenge waiting, so don't wait until you've achieved something to have faith and confidence in yourself, because that day won't come, when you've achieved it all, and if you're waiting till that day, you're selling yourself short. This goes back to trusting yourself, even when there is no evidence that you can "do it". You see, we always wait for confirmation before giving ourselves permission to feel something, but if you reach deep down, there is a natural well of emotions inside you, waiting to give you guidance. So ride your waves and follow those intuitions.

Why I am not an optimist. I never liked using the word "optimist" or "always happy" to describe myself although others would say that I am. That makes me sound like I'm avoiding reality and completely living in my own head. I filter out of reality what is good and healthy for me, and keep my emotions clean. That's it. I don't shirk away from the harsh "realities" but I also like to get a good picture of what's going on. I think we were meant to transform our experiences and experiences of other's pain, suffering into something creative; to speak firmly with direction and hope, but not wishing for a miracle. There are so many different issues so pick one or two on which you can focus your energies to make it better, and acknowledge the others, but don't give your energies to it, don't let it drain you of your precious life force. Some  people don't even believe they deserve to be happy when others are suffering, and that's really sad, every deserves to be happy, and you are no different. What you would want for others is what you would want for yourself.

Vulnerability- showing weakness and dependency will actually make you stronger and means you are even more comfortable with yourself. You don't try to hide your flaws and inner weaknesses, nor are you pushing them onto other people, you're simply expressing them, while the whole time, the power is still centered on you.

Let praises as well as criticism bounce off you, like a rain hitting the windows. Do not give your power away.

The clounds are never in the same position

I come, before you, gods and goddesses of nature, with my soul weary and lost. You hold me gently, brushing past my face just as you whistle past the leaves in the tree before me. Tonight, the air is cool, and the clouds are persistent in their movements. The rickets continue their chatter, and I hear the passing of cars in the distance. I want to la y down everything with you, I want to stop struggling so much, and I want to enjoy this life. There is a slight  chill in the air, not unfamiliar to me. Oh, summer, where have you gone? Perhaps because I've spent many a days inside, I have not played so much under your brilliance. My life moves ahead, and I can honestly say I have no idea where it will take me. I want to open up to you again, nature. I want to invite you back in my life, I want to be completely and utterly absorbed back into you. Being here, gives me a great sense peace. 

Watching the sky is like a transforming painting. The soft light of the sun creates pink hues on the clouds, while the wispy ones flow up high, and the gray bellies of low hanging clouds are scattered nearby. I've always wanted to be a part of the world. To sleep when the animals were sleeping, and to get up to greet a brand new day. Nature is the one thing that truly grounds me and offers me sanctuary when I am feeling broken apart. It's movements are slow, but deliberate, and it never hurries. Each day is 24 hours, and it conues to be here without any of our doing. What does it mean, to feel the very essence of life. What does it feel like to be fully alive, and present.

There, the glouds go again. Now there are gray clouds shaped like little rocks stacked upon each other moving in from the west. IT's almost time to say goodnight to another beautiful day. Thank you for allowing me to enjoy this day, for giving it to me as a present. I know I should not blame myself to living still, while so many others whom I bleieve are more deserving than I no longer have the opportunity to experience this life...but perhaps in antoher life, right?

Whenever I get tired of being an adult, I can come here, sit outside, and be comforted in the fact that I'm still a child, and always will be in the eyes and heart of mother nature. I know that I can trust in the Universe. I know that I just have to open up and be receptive to what it has in store for me. I need to let go of my own desires, and I know that I will feel that amazement when things happen. It's not just my own efforts, but it's coming in in surprising ways from the Universe. I remember feeling so lucky, and amazed at what was happening in my life. It was like discovering little presents along the way, just planted there for me to happen upon. I know that I'm not alone on thsi path, and I just need to let go.

To take the harder path?

(Courtesy of http://utusanpenasyamimi.blogspot.com/)

Here's a question I've been asking myself, and want to pose this question to you all. Would you rather study what you want (but it's so challenging and you feel like you could fail) or stay in an area where you know you would succeed? 

Ever feel like your brain is betraying you?

This is what I feel like when I'm studying for the MCATs. It's like I've reviewed the material over and over again, and like snow, it just melts away on the surface of my memory and in the hurry and under the pressure of the exam, I cannot recall a thing. It's as if I'm looking through a foggy window with a blurry vision, and I know the familiarity of the concept I learned, but I just have nothing to grasp onto. I hate feeling being stuck, as if I'm not improving, even though I've obviously been reviewing a lot. I wish I didn't psych myself out so much. If becoming a great doctor is my dream, how am I supposed to get there if I can't do well on the MCATS?

This is when it feels like your desire for success is being undermined by your own brain, and you don't know how else to train it to become more intellectually smarter. Sigh, I should not be complaining so much, but it's been eating away at me for some time, and I thought I would get it down on paper as a testamant..to the torturous process. I know it's just one stepping stone in this path, and I should be grateful and happy that I'm following my dreams, but it gets harder to keep up this mentality and motivation. But, again, one step at a time right?

I thought about all my friends who are getting jobs outside of college, who are going on fun dates with colleagues  exploring the nightlife and food outings. They might not LOVE their job, but they are independent, getting paid, and have time for family and friends. I compare that to the path I've chosen. A year out of college, then 4 years of med school, then at LEAST 3, but maybe up to 7 years of residency, and then finally coming out. It seems SO extreme and different haha. But I've learned the lesson long ago that everyone has their unique path, and I know I would not give up my love of medicine for a temporary job even if it paid me well. And you know what, those 7 years will go by quickly. I mean, I'm almost graduating, and I can still remember back to the days of my freshman year of high school which was 7 years ago, and I don't feel that different/like I've come that far. WHICH MEANS....which means I can be somewhere completely different in 7 years or I could be in the same place going around in a circle, feeling stuck, and dissatisfied  Sure it's a lot of work, but what isn't? Isn't it even more painful to be doing something over and over again that you don't like? I'm trying to learn from the mistakes of other people, those who had "wasted" time/taken the long winding road because they couldn't figure out what they wanted.

Good luck to everyone out there who is finding difficulty following their passions,  but is sticking to them because you know that it will bring you happiness and a one-of-a-kind sense of fulfillment you cannot get from elsewhere!

Light Rain

(Courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/visitpa/4112912988/)

The light rain falls, lightly over the city, on this warm September day, and it reminds me of fluttering snow flakes. In just a short period of time, the atmosphere has transformed, and the distant lights become warmer, and sitting here reading with my hot cup of cappucino and listening to piano music becomes quite a lovely experience. The smoke rises from the tops of buildings and blends in with the rest of the grey world. I wonder what each person is experiencing at this exact moment. The rain comes down now horiztontally, and sometimes the wind carries it sideways up, and spinning. A mist has settled over the city and the tall skyscrapers are fading to white. I feel like I'm up in the clouds now!

Have you been awestruck lately?

The Biological Advantage of Being Awestruck - by @JasonSilva from Jason Silva on Vimeo.

This video tells us about why it's good for us to be awestruck- it gives us a sense of wonder and adds meaning into life. The world can seem so broken one moment when you are caught in the midst of everything, feeling like there's no end in sight. And yet, when you gaze up into the night sky, pondering at the distant stars that stand, immobile, blinking silently, a sense of calm washes over you and you feel that somehow things will turn out alright. Not now maybe, but you have faith that it will, and that's enough.

Things and moments that make us awestruck expand our consciousness, and connects us deeper with everything around us. It's as if something miraculous is happening, and we're simply observers gazing upon our own existence.

I distinctly remember an experience I had in middle school. It was sometime during the middle of science class, and I was sitting by the window, zoning out into the sky. Of course, when I look out most of the time, I'm still aware that yes, I'm just looking out the window, I'm still sitting in a desk, my feet rested on the ground, my back touching chair, my hands propped on the surface of the table, the teacher talking in the background, classmates passing notes to one another....all those senses are still intact. But this time was different.

I must of have entered some kind of weird trance/daydream event where all of a sudden, I felt at first that I was sucked out into space and all the familiar surroundings disappeared (there were no longer classmates next to me, the ground beneath my feet were gone, the entire classroom dissolved) and it was just me (getting smaller and smaller) and empty space (stretching farther and farther). It was both frightening and awe-inspiring. I remember having these feelings and thoughts flood into me that I've never experienced in my life. In one breath, I experienced how SMALL and insignificant I was compared to the entire Universe. The size of the scale overwhelmed me, literally. I became so small that I felt "nothingness," non-existence. The second thing came to me as a thought as a result of this feeling: it is completely unbelievable, a miracle, that we all EXIST. Just EXISTENCE itself is so strange, wonderful, and against all probabilities. In a SPACE previously of emptiness, devoid of anything...for Non-emptiness to come along is mindblowing. Why wasn't there just nothing, emptiness for all of eternity. If there is existence, there must be non-existence, and the chance of non-existence should be much much MUCH greater than existence, since non-existence requires no energy, no..nothing. Why, HOW do we even exist? This question bore down on me, but before I had a chance to explore it some more, to grab ahold of it, I returned to my current reality. The teacher's voice came back and the windows had screens across them once more, and I look into my classmate's bored expressions which impatiently eyed the clock. But for many minutes afterwards when the emotions slowly left me, I was speechless, and like a fading dream, I could not grasp it as hard as I tried.

I have perhaps pondered the meaning of existence abstractly, but I've never felt it so VISCERALLY throughout my entire body and mind. That little experience shifted my perspective on life, and I was infused with the deepest awe for all that was life, and even non-life, but for things just existing at all. And my own ability to ponder my existence. How strange, and beautiful. I felt like I would go crazy thinking about it now, but I knew that I experienced some "truth". We are a miracle, and no accident. There is something much greater in life to explore, and I was dead set on discovering what it was.

As I got older, I became more and more aware of the world, and noticed things in front of me that I previously could not see. Although we all live on the same planet, many people don't really live "here" but rather some place in their heads. I became more prone to seeing beauty in all sorts of places, and my breath would be caught by the scent of flowers while walking past a corner in the city, the gorgeous fluffy clouds in the sky, the comforting, meditative chirp of cicadas during the summer, the sun setting across a river on a run, the warm breeze that tickles and runs up my skin, the blinding sparkling snow crunching underneath my boot, a cup of warm chocolate against my hand on a rainy afternoon, the trees, the grass, the leaves, the veins....water. How smooth and velvety it was to touch. How powerful it was rushing down a waterfall. How I thirsted for it after ingesting salty foods. How cool, refreshing it was to bathe in. I was just enraptured by it all, anything that was not created by man, and anything that was beautifully created by man to exist in harmony with nature.

Although I still have not found my answer, I'm as passionate as I ever was, and I look forward each and every day to experiencing the magnificence that can be found anywhere.

What has made you awestruck?

Moved into Dorm; Ready for a Third Year!

Just moved into my new dorm and unpacked, which only took about 5 hours! Each year I tell myself to bring less things, and I really tried to, but somehow I still came to Penn with a huge amount of stuff (mainly clothes XD). But anyway, I'm in a double with my very good friend, and I have a fantastic view of the entire Philadelphia city. It is so beautiful, and what's even more convenient is that on top of one of the buildings, is a scrolling bar which gives both the time as well as the temperature in giant flashing numbers. Thus, I only have to glance out my window to see it! Unfortunately, a good portion of my view is blocked by the Huntsman building (Wharton's most famous building). Not cool.

Still, it feels great to have moved back in officially on campus. For the latter half of the summer, I've just been living off campus with the dear old mice in an old smelly house. I quickly moved out of there today, and the final thing I have to do is return my keys! Living on campus feels amazing.

So I'm not a great decorator so my walls are pretty bare. Waiting to see an awesome poster while walking around the city to decorate my room. I'm also thinking about getting these little lantern-lights!

Aren't they pretty? I like lights are dim and soothing, especially when it nears Christmas and the holiday seasons. You just feel so warm and safe inside.

Anyway, I'm going to talk a little about the goals I have this coming semester. I know that the one thing I feel about being back, is how fast time is going to go by. Just as the other two did, and my college career will be over. Back in high school, kids always wanted to finish as soon as possible. I know I did. Man, four years with a small group of kids you knew since middle and elementary school could get a little boring. And then once you found out you were accepted, all you could think about was getting to your college. But in college, I haven't heard of people wanting to "get out of here," in fact, I keep hearing of recent grads really missing college and complaining about the real world. Hehe, I'm not in a rush to grow up and face the realities of the real world. Although I really don't like exams and the stress, I have to admit, I definitely like school vs. working in an office for the rest of my life.

Thus, this year (well let's start with this semester), I want to increase my G.P.A and do the best I can in all of my classes. It's definitely going to be a challenge but I'm up for it! This year, I won't let anyone guilt trip me into doing something I don't like. Here's a great quote that I found:

“As you proceed on your path you will find that you just can’t make everyone happy. In fact, you can’t make anyone happy because happiness must come from within and is always a personal choice. This can be difficult to accept as so many of you were raised and conditioned to put your focus on pleasing others and because of this, have a great fear of negative judgment. Do your best, stay focused on your own unique path and understand that judgment from others comes through the filter of what would be best for them, and not at all from knowledge of what would be best for you. Ironically, by the time a person would have the vantage point to truly understand your unique path, they would have long evolved beyond the energies of judgment. So, stay true to your path, give yourself permission to be the expert on you, and stand firm in what you know is your truth.”


I know that sometimes we get swayed by what we think others want us to do, and it feels selfish to put our "needs" above theirs by tending to our studies or personal well being, but this is different from reaching out to someone who is in need and temporarily putting their need before your own. Oftentimes, it's just that the person either judges you for studying too much, or not studying enough, or not doing something they think you should, or pressuring you. But no, when it comes to these petty things that you don't REALLY want to do, then don't give into the pressure and waste your time. You have bigger goals and dreams that you must tend to and focus on. Minimize other distractions. This is my goal for the semester.

What are yours?