The clounds are never in the same position

I come, before you, gods and goddesses of nature, with my soul weary and lost. You hold me gently, brushing past my face just as you whistle past the leaves in the tree before me. Tonight, the air is cool, and the clouds are persistent in their movements. The rickets continue their chatter, and I hear the passing of cars in the distance. I want to la y down everything with you, I want to stop struggling so much, and I want to enjoy this life. There is a slight  chill in the air, not unfamiliar to me. Oh, summer, where have you gone? Perhaps because I've spent many a days inside, I have not played so much under your brilliance. My life moves ahead, and I can honestly say I have no idea where it will take me. I want to open up to you again, nature. I want to invite you back in my life, I want to be completely and utterly absorbed back into you. Being here, gives me a great sense peace. 

Watching the sky is like a transforming painting. The soft light of the sun creates pink hues on the clouds, while the wispy ones flow up high, and the gray bellies of low hanging clouds are scattered nearby. I've always wanted to be a part of the world. To sleep when the animals were sleeping, and to get up to greet a brand new day. Nature is the one thing that truly grounds me and offers me sanctuary when I am feeling broken apart. It's movements are slow, but deliberate, and it never hurries. Each day is 24 hours, and it conues to be here without any of our doing. What does it mean, to feel the very essence of life. What does it feel like to be fully alive, and present.

There, the glouds go again. Now there are gray clouds shaped like little rocks stacked upon each other moving in from the west. IT's almost time to say goodnight to another beautiful day. Thank you for allowing me to enjoy this day, for giving it to me as a present. I know I should not blame myself to living still, while so many others whom I bleieve are more deserving than I no longer have the opportunity to experience this life...but perhaps in antoher life, right?

Whenever I get tired of being an adult, I can come here, sit outside, and be comforted in the fact that I'm still a child, and always will be in the eyes and heart of mother nature. I know that I can trust in the Universe. I know that I just have to open up and be receptive to what it has in store for me. I need to let go of my own desires, and I know that I will feel that amazement when things happen. It's not just my own efforts, but it's coming in in surprising ways from the Universe. I remember feeling so lucky, and amazed at what was happening in my life. It was like discovering little presents along the way, just planted there for me to happen upon. I know that I'm not alone on thsi path, and I just need to let go.

To take the harder path?

(Courtesy of http://utusanpenasyamimi.blogspot.com/)

Here's a question I've been asking myself, and want to pose this question to you all. Would you rather study what you want (but it's so challenging and you feel like you could fail) or stay in an area where you know you would succeed? 

Ever feel like your brain is betraying you?

This is what I feel like when I'm studying for the MCATs. It's like I've reviewed the material over and over again, and like snow, it just melts away on the surface of my memory and in the hurry and under the pressure of the exam, I cannot recall a thing. It's as if I'm looking through a foggy window with a blurry vision, and I know the familiarity of the concept I learned, but I just have nothing to grasp onto. I hate feeling being stuck, as if I'm not improving, even though I've obviously been reviewing a lot. I wish I didn't psych myself out so much. If becoming a great doctor is my dream, how am I supposed to get there if I can't do well on the MCATS?

This is when it feels like your desire for success is being undermined by your own brain, and you don't know how else to train it to become more intellectually smarter. Sigh, I should not be complaining so much, but it's been eating away at me for some time, and I thought I would get it down on paper as a testamant..to the torturous process. I know it's just one stepping stone in this path, and I should be grateful and happy that I'm following my dreams, but it gets harder to keep up this mentality and motivation. But, again, one step at a time right?

I thought about all my friends who are getting jobs outside of college, who are going on fun dates with colleagues  exploring the nightlife and food outings. They might not LOVE their job, but they are independent, getting paid, and have time for family and friends. I compare that to the path I've chosen. A year out of college, then 4 years of med school, then at LEAST 3, but maybe up to 7 years of residency, and then finally coming out. It seems SO extreme and different haha. But I've learned the lesson long ago that everyone has their unique path, and I know I would not give up my love of medicine for a temporary job even if it paid me well. And you know what, those 7 years will go by quickly. I mean, I'm almost graduating, and I can still remember back to the days of my freshman year of high school which was 7 years ago, and I don't feel that different/like I've come that far. WHICH MEANS....which means I can be somewhere completely different in 7 years or I could be in the same place going around in a circle, feeling stuck, and dissatisfied  Sure it's a lot of work, but what isn't? Isn't it even more painful to be doing something over and over again that you don't like? I'm trying to learn from the mistakes of other people, those who had "wasted" time/taken the long winding road because they couldn't figure out what they wanted.

Good luck to everyone out there who is finding difficulty following their passions,  but is sticking to them because you know that it will bring you happiness and a one-of-a-kind sense of fulfillment you cannot get from elsewhere!

Light Rain

(Courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/visitpa/4112912988/)

The light rain falls, lightly over the city, on this warm September day, and it reminds me of fluttering snow flakes. In just a short period of time, the atmosphere has transformed, and the distant lights become warmer, and sitting here reading with my hot cup of cappucino and listening to piano music becomes quite a lovely experience. The smoke rises from the tops of buildings and blends in with the rest of the grey world. I wonder what each person is experiencing at this exact moment. The rain comes down now horiztontally, and sometimes the wind carries it sideways up, and spinning. A mist has settled over the city and the tall skyscrapers are fading to white. I feel like I'm up in the clouds now!

Have you been awestruck lately?

The Biological Advantage of Being Awestruck - by @JasonSilva from Jason Silva on Vimeo.

This video tells us about why it's good for us to be awestruck- it gives us a sense of wonder and adds meaning into life. The world can seem so broken one moment when you are caught in the midst of everything, feeling like there's no end in sight. And yet, when you gaze up into the night sky, pondering at the distant stars that stand, immobile, blinking silently, a sense of calm washes over you and you feel that somehow things will turn out alright. Not now maybe, but you have faith that it will, and that's enough.

Things and moments that make us awestruck expand our consciousness, and connects us deeper with everything around us. It's as if something miraculous is happening, and we're simply observers gazing upon our own existence.

I distinctly remember an experience I had in middle school. It was sometime during the middle of science class, and I was sitting by the window, zoning out into the sky. Of course, when I look out most of the time, I'm still aware that yes, I'm just looking out the window, I'm still sitting in a desk, my feet rested on the ground, my back touching chair, my hands propped on the surface of the table, the teacher talking in the background, classmates passing notes to one another....all those senses are still intact. But this time was different.

I must of have entered some kind of weird trance/daydream event where all of a sudden, I felt at first that I was sucked out into space and all the familiar surroundings disappeared (there were no longer classmates next to me, the ground beneath my feet were gone, the entire classroom dissolved) and it was just me (getting smaller and smaller) and empty space (stretching farther and farther). It was both frightening and awe-inspiring. I remember having these feelings and thoughts flood into me that I've never experienced in my life. In one breath, I experienced how SMALL and insignificant I was compared to the entire Universe. The size of the scale overwhelmed me, literally. I became so small that I felt "nothingness," non-existence. The second thing came to me as a thought as a result of this feeling: it is completely unbelievable, a miracle, that we all EXIST. Just EXISTENCE itself is so strange, wonderful, and against all probabilities. In a SPACE previously of emptiness, devoid of anything...for Non-emptiness to come along is mindblowing. Why wasn't there just nothing, emptiness for all of eternity. If there is existence, there must be non-existence, and the chance of non-existence should be much much MUCH greater than existence, since non-existence requires no energy, no..nothing. Why, HOW do we even exist? This question bore down on me, but before I had a chance to explore it some more, to grab ahold of it, I returned to my current reality. The teacher's voice came back and the windows had screens across them once more, and I look into my classmate's bored expressions which impatiently eyed the clock. But for many minutes afterwards when the emotions slowly left me, I was speechless, and like a fading dream, I could not grasp it as hard as I tried.

I have perhaps pondered the meaning of existence abstractly, but I've never felt it so VISCERALLY throughout my entire body and mind. That little experience shifted my perspective on life, and I was infused with the deepest awe for all that was life, and even non-life, but for things just existing at all. And my own ability to ponder my existence. How strange, and beautiful. I felt like I would go crazy thinking about it now, but I knew that I experienced some "truth". We are a miracle, and no accident. There is something much greater in life to explore, and I was dead set on discovering what it was.

As I got older, I became more and more aware of the world, and noticed things in front of me that I previously could not see. Although we all live on the same planet, many people don't really live "here" but rather some place in their heads. I became more prone to seeing beauty in all sorts of places, and my breath would be caught by the scent of flowers while walking past a corner in the city, the gorgeous fluffy clouds in the sky, the comforting, meditative chirp of cicadas during the summer, the sun setting across a river on a run, the warm breeze that tickles and runs up my skin, the blinding sparkling snow crunching underneath my boot, a cup of warm chocolate against my hand on a rainy afternoon, the trees, the grass, the leaves, the veins....water. How smooth and velvety it was to touch. How powerful it was rushing down a waterfall. How I thirsted for it after ingesting salty foods. How cool, refreshing it was to bathe in. I was just enraptured by it all, anything that was not created by man, and anything that was beautifully created by man to exist in harmony with nature.

Although I still have not found my answer, I'm as passionate as I ever was, and I look forward each and every day to experiencing the magnificence that can be found anywhere.

What has made you awestruck?

Moved into Dorm; Ready for a Third Year!

Just moved into my new dorm and unpacked, which only took about 5 hours! Each year I tell myself to bring less things, and I really tried to, but somehow I still came to Penn with a huge amount of stuff (mainly clothes XD). But anyway, I'm in a double with my very good friend, and I have a fantastic view of the entire Philadelphia city. It is so beautiful, and what's even more convenient is that on top of one of the buildings, is a scrolling bar which gives both the time as well as the temperature in giant flashing numbers. Thus, I only have to glance out my window to see it! Unfortunately, a good portion of my view is blocked by the Huntsman building (Wharton's most famous building). Not cool.

Still, it feels great to have moved back in officially on campus. For the latter half of the summer, I've just been living off campus with the dear old mice in an old smelly house. I quickly moved out of there today, and the final thing I have to do is return my keys! Living on campus feels amazing.

So I'm not a great decorator so my walls are pretty bare. Waiting to see an awesome poster while walking around the city to decorate my room. I'm also thinking about getting these little lantern-lights!

Aren't they pretty? I like lights are dim and soothing, especially when it nears Christmas and the holiday seasons. You just feel so warm and safe inside.

Anyway, I'm going to talk a little about the goals I have this coming semester. I know that the one thing I feel about being back, is how fast time is going to go by. Just as the other two did, and my college career will be over. Back in high school, kids always wanted to finish as soon as possible. I know I did. Man, four years with a small group of kids you knew since middle and elementary school could get a little boring. And then once you found out you were accepted, all you could think about was getting to your college. But in college, I haven't heard of people wanting to "get out of here," in fact, I keep hearing of recent grads really missing college and complaining about the real world. Hehe, I'm not in a rush to grow up and face the realities of the real world. Although I really don't like exams and the stress, I have to admit, I definitely like school vs. working in an office for the rest of my life.

Thus, this year (well let's start with this semester), I want to increase my G.P.A and do the best I can in all of my classes. It's definitely going to be a challenge but I'm up for it! This year, I won't let anyone guilt trip me into doing something I don't like. Here's a great quote that I found:

“As you proceed on your path you will find that you just can’t make everyone happy. In fact, you can’t make anyone happy because happiness must come from within and is always a personal choice. This can be difficult to accept as so many of you were raised and conditioned to put your focus on pleasing others and because of this, have a great fear of negative judgment. Do your best, stay focused on your own unique path and understand that judgment from others comes through the filter of what would be best for them, and not at all from knowledge of what would be best for you. Ironically, by the time a person would have the vantage point to truly understand your unique path, they would have long evolved beyond the energies of judgment. So, stay true to your path, give yourself permission to be the expert on you, and stand firm in what you know is your truth.”


I know that sometimes we get swayed by what we think others want us to do, and it feels selfish to put our "needs" above theirs by tending to our studies or personal well being, but this is different from reaching out to someone who is in need and temporarily putting their need before your own. Oftentimes, it's just that the person either judges you for studying too much, or not studying enough, or not doing something they think you should, or pressuring you. But no, when it comes to these petty things that you don't REALLY want to do, then don't give into the pressure and waste your time. You have bigger goals and dreams that you must tend to and focus on. Minimize other distractions. This is my goal for the semester.

What are yours? 

Can you feel the transition from Summer to Autumn?

"Through celebrations in their seasons are the deeper powers of human nature realized."

-Rudolf Steiner

So today, in the Northeast was a completely cloudy, with a certain chill in the air. For many summer days, it's been hot and muggy, no signs of any changes, except there was more rain. But today was significantly different. The air was calmer, and I realized I haven't heard the loud sounds of cicadas for a while now. It is the first time I had to done a sweater (and not because of the highly air conditioned office I work in) to stand outside at night. 

More than anything, I love the changing of seasons. The subtle transitions that are hard to observe if you don't spend most of your time out-of-doors. I love how it slowly is revealed to you as you go about your daily life. It drags us out of the mundaneness of the mechanical life we sometimes are subjected to and makes us realize that we too are part of the cyclical nature. 

Many cultures celebrate the Autumn Equinox for it is a time of great joy and harvesting. The trees start to lose their pigment and for us, it's a magical transformation to see the leaves change from green to red, orange, and yellow. The colors are ridiculously bright and shine through even on a cloudy day. It stimulates my senses and fill my heart with joy. 

In the real world, school starts for many students across the world, and I too am going back to college for my 3rd year. It means shopping for fresh notebooks, binders, pencils, and highlighters. These simple tools will aid us in filling our heads with knowledge, though it also promises the stress of exams. But even then, all we need to do is to walk outside, put our hands on the bark of a tree, walk barefoot onto the dewy morning grass, or sit on the benches and enjoy some warm tea, to feel the magnificent, loving force of nature that surrounds us all the time. The sterile buildings we work or live in today only separate us farther from the great outdoors. We must leave them for fresh air, or reside in an old-fashioned stone home with a real fireplace that provides the warmth we need against the incoming cold. 

Needless to say, I'm greatly looking forward the experience of Autumn. 

Is anyone else happily looking forward to school? :D