Proud to live in Philly

"Philly is Ugly" by Nathaniel Dodson

Nice quote

“There are thousands and thousands of people out there leading lives of quiet, screaming desperation, where they work long, hard hours at jobs they hate to enable them to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.” 
― Nigel Marsh

A city of blinking lights

Each night, I stare from the window of my 24th floor, out into the city.
There are no stars in the sky- too much light pollution.
When I look out, I see blinking lights.
Even late into the night, cars continue to go down the streets, as many people have night shifts..
Have we lost our way or forgotten our biological rhythms.
Where is the moonlight, when do we ever sleep?
College is about the nightlife; they say that that's the best part, but it feels so unnatural to me, to stay up so late, without sleeping, because then you miss the brilliance of the day. The way the sun peaks out from the East, and you miss the present of a brand new day.
That's why I like to get up in the morning.

For me, college has been about finding myself, it's true.
And I think I've come full circle.
I've learned how to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations because I've done it so many times.
I've learned how to handle novel situations as well.
I've learned how to relax, and let go, and let things happen.
I've learned how to constantly, persistently choose happiness.

Most of all, I realized I had no pressure to be who I was not. That it was all in my head, and that to be able to freely express yourself without caring what others thought was the most liberating experience I have ever felt. I am still excited about this journey,of understanding myself, but returning to nature, being myself saves the most energy and gives out the highest energy into the world, and I pleasantly find that the world is good to me and accepts me for who I am. I realized how to relax around people and not soak in their negative or anxious energies, but rather take them, let them pass through you and transform them into something better. I realized I don't like to stay up late, and I don't like sleep deprivation. That's what I'm working on. I commit to my happiness and health.

I always thought

I always thought that I just had to get somewhere to buy/earn freedom.

What does freedom mean to me?
1. Free to work reasonable hours
2. Free from excessive stress
3. Free from worrying about finances
4. Free to travel where I wanted
5. Free to be with my family and spend time with them
6. Free from expectations of others
7. Free from self limiting beliefs
8. Free to be and express myself
9. Free from mistakes

But I realized in the end, all you can really do is set your own heart free.

Being True To Yourself

This phrase has been thrown around, from parents to children, from the words wriggling off the pages of a self help book, echoed over and over in songs, that whenever someone asks what the best advice we can give anyone is, it's one of the first that comes tumbling off our tongues before we have time to revise what we want to say so it's not so cliche.

Yet, if this piece of advice is really so simple, why does it seem so little people can actually achieve it? And what does it even mean anyway? It seems like a pretty lofty thing to tell someone, as if, there's a "you" that's true, which is not the "you" right now, and you just need to be the "true" one. But there's no direction or compass to what being "true" is, how do you even know what that means?

Yet, if someone were to ask  me, I'd say it would be the single most important thing you can do for your life.

To be true to yourself is understanding what truly makes you happy, and following that advice above anyone else's. It's a feeling more than anything. A feeling of freedom, of relief that you are finally doing what you want, despite the fears you fear. You've read all those guides that suggests what's right for you, and you pick and choose snippets from it that really resonate with you, but how about making a unique guide that's exactly tailored for you, so you can filter out the rest of the things that don't apply to you.

The main thing I find myself doing when I am not sure of the path I cam taking, is to find confirmation from outside from some "higher authority" and only when they justify what I'm doing (or not doing), I am comfortable in knowing. But let me tell you, it doesn't feel good to make excuses, to pretend I don't want something. (Ie. I want to be a doctor, but I'll tell myself, ah, it's too difficult, the hours are long, you've heard of all those stories about people regretting the decision, and of the sacrificed relationships. Plus, people view doctors as being money hungry, are they even TRYING to cure disease or only treat it temporarily and to make more money.) I think if you look at any field, there will be people putting it down, but the thing is, they don't know what kind of doctor, artist, teacher, lawyer, business person, designer, researcher YOU could be, and are only projecting the reality they see from their tainted glasses. And that's exactly the risk you run doing (seeing through tainted glasses) when you decide to value someone else's opinion of what you should do with your life over your own.

I can't deny some of the things I want, but I'm afraid of failure if I pursue them, so I look for ways not to pursue them (oh, those people who value success aren't usually happy, focusing on relationships is what I should be doing), yet deep down, I know that my relationships would be a lot better if I weren't hiding away from my own perceived inadequacies, and that I'm using evidence from outside to stay where I am, not to take risks, pretending I'm happy when I'm really not. (Psh, but those people who pursue happiness to make money ultimately find that they're not. How do you know you won't be one of them?)

This comes down to, do you trust yourself?

It's not the success, the money, the power that corrupts, that is unless you believe that humans can't make conscious decisions for themselves. And sometimes when we spend so much time trying to learn from the mistakes of others, we forget to allow ourselves to make our own. Stop putting yourself on such a high pedestal!

Only you know if you're truly happy with the way things are going, or if you're making excuses not to grow, get out of your comfort zone, to fail or stumble. Be conscious of how much you want to share with people. In the beginning, before you are sure of your footing, sharing your true desires with others who don't understand your unique path can be difficult when they tell you can't, or shouldn't, and very quickly, you may begin to listen to them, lose confidence, and settle again. Make sure you can stand your ground and thank for them for their thoughts, but say you've made up your mind. You are the only one walking down this path. Some people believe that there are times you should listen to others if they're preventing you from walking down a wrong path, but in those cases, I still see that the bottom line, is you're not being honest with yourself, and others can see that clearly even if you may be blind to it, that you're not honoring your happiness and have gone wayward with your original desires and intentions. Thus, it's great when others are helping you to see that you're not being yourself, but only to that extent. Once you have felt again, your own inner power and voice, you have no need to listen to outside voices, they were simply to guide you back to your center, and from there, it's just you.

You think that by avoiding success, you are helping others, but how exactly does that help others? And you can criticize and feel smug in knowing that successful people aren't happy, but that's all feeding back to your fear of success, and until you deal with that, you're blocking happiness from yourself.

So yes, it's scary, letting go of other's directions, letting go of your illusion of security, and trusting yourself to see you through. When you shine that light out, others will feel it, the radiance, and understand why you are so confident in yourself. By being yourself, by being successful (whatever that means to you) means you allow others to do the same. But know, since each of our paths are so unique, we will have unique challenges that hold meaning to only us. We will stumble, and fall. But know that you don't need to compare yourself to others. If you let your focus drift, you're diffusing energy. Being successful, happy, with great relationships, while being kind to others and making a world a better place are not mutually exclusive. You can have it all. To not have it doesn't mean you're doing it wrong, it means you're on your way. I think, we were never meant to feel comfortable in one place for too long, our nature is to grow, to expand, to reach out into the cold darkness fumbling until we can grasp something warm. In the meantime, it doesn't mean you can't have "confidence" until you make it, but each new experience that you grew with adds on to that confidence.

So, face yourself, embrace yourself with all your faults, weaknesses, imperfections and know that they are not the things that will hold you back, but the keys to your growth and evolution and that's why you should smile and laugh because life is funny like that. Be kind to yourself as you work with yourself, as you would a child, a friend, a family member. And know that the journey of growth will never end, that once you've gained and overcome something, there will be another challenge waiting, so don't wait until you've achieved something to have faith and confidence in yourself, because that day won't come, when you've achieved it all, and if you're waiting till that day, you're selling yourself short. This goes back to trusting yourself, even when there is no evidence that you can "do it". You see, we always wait for confirmation before giving ourselves permission to feel something, but if you reach deep down, there is a natural well of emotions inside you, waiting to give you guidance. So ride your waves and follow those intuitions.

Why I am not an optimist. I never liked using the word "optimist" or "always happy" to describe myself although others would say that I am. That makes me sound like I'm avoiding reality and completely living in my own head. I filter out of reality what is good and healthy for me, and keep my emotions clean. That's it. I don't shirk away from the harsh "realities" but I also like to get a good picture of what's going on. I think we were meant to transform our experiences and experiences of other's pain, suffering into something creative; to speak firmly with direction and hope, but not wishing for a miracle. There are so many different issues so pick one or two on which you can focus your energies to make it better, and acknowledge the others, but don't give your energies to it, don't let it drain you of your precious life force. Some  people don't even believe they deserve to be happy when others are suffering, and that's really sad, every deserves to be happy, and you are no different. What you would want for others is what you would want for yourself.

Vulnerability- showing weakness and dependency will actually make you stronger and means you are even more comfortable with yourself. You don't try to hide your flaws and inner weaknesses, nor are you pushing them onto other people, you're simply expressing them, while the whole time, the power is still centered on you.

Let praises as well as criticism bounce off you, like a rain hitting the windows. Do not give your power away.

The clounds are never in the same position

I come, before you, gods and goddesses of nature, with my soul weary and lost. You hold me gently, brushing past my face just as you whistle past the leaves in the tree before me. Tonight, the air is cool, and the clouds are persistent in their movements. The rickets continue their chatter, and I hear the passing of cars in the distance. I want to la y down everything with you, I want to stop struggling so much, and I want to enjoy this life. There is a slight  chill in the air, not unfamiliar to me. Oh, summer, where have you gone? Perhaps because I've spent many a days inside, I have not played so much under your brilliance. My life moves ahead, and I can honestly say I have no idea where it will take me. I want to open up to you again, nature. I want to invite you back in my life, I want to be completely and utterly absorbed back into you. Being here, gives me a great sense peace. 

Watching the sky is like a transforming painting. The soft light of the sun creates pink hues on the clouds, while the wispy ones flow up high, and the gray bellies of low hanging clouds are scattered nearby. I've always wanted to be a part of the world. To sleep when the animals were sleeping, and to get up to greet a brand new day. Nature is the one thing that truly grounds me and offers me sanctuary when I am feeling broken apart. It's movements are slow, but deliberate, and it never hurries. Each day is 24 hours, and it conues to be here without any of our doing. What does it mean, to feel the very essence of life. What does it feel like to be fully alive, and present.

There, the glouds go again. Now there are gray clouds shaped like little rocks stacked upon each other moving in from the west. IT's almost time to say goodnight to another beautiful day. Thank you for allowing me to enjoy this day, for giving it to me as a present. I know I should not blame myself to living still, while so many others whom I bleieve are more deserving than I no longer have the opportunity to experience this life...but perhaps in antoher life, right?

Whenever I get tired of being an adult, I can come here, sit outside, and be comforted in the fact that I'm still a child, and always will be in the eyes and heart of mother nature. I know that I can trust in the Universe. I know that I just have to open up and be receptive to what it has in store for me. I need to let go of my own desires, and I know that I will feel that amazement when things happen. It's not just my own efforts, but it's coming in in surprising ways from the Universe. I remember feeling so lucky, and amazed at what was happening in my life. It was like discovering little presents along the way, just planted there for me to happen upon. I know that I'm not alone on thsi path, and I just need to let go.

To take the harder path?

(Courtesy of http://utusanpenasyamimi.blogspot.com/)

Here's a question I've been asking myself, and want to pose this question to you all. Would you rather study what you want (but it's so challenging and you feel like you could fail) or stay in an area where you know you would succeed? 

Ever feel like your brain is betraying you?

This is what I feel like when I'm studying for the MCATs. It's like I've reviewed the material over and over again, and like snow, it just melts away on the surface of my memory and in the hurry and under the pressure of the exam, I cannot recall a thing. It's as if I'm looking through a foggy window with a blurry vision, and I know the familiarity of the concept I learned, but I just have nothing to grasp onto. I hate feeling being stuck, as if I'm not improving, even though I've obviously been reviewing a lot. I wish I didn't psych myself out so much. If becoming a great doctor is my dream, how am I supposed to get there if I can't do well on the MCATS?

This is when it feels like your desire for success is being undermined by your own brain, and you don't know how else to train it to become more intellectually smarter. Sigh, I should not be complaining so much, but it's been eating away at me for some time, and I thought I would get it down on paper as a testamant..to the torturous process. I know it's just one stepping stone in this path, and I should be grateful and happy that I'm following my dreams, but it gets harder to keep up this mentality and motivation. But, again, one step at a time right?

I thought about all my friends who are getting jobs outside of college, who are going on fun dates with colleagues  exploring the nightlife and food outings. They might not LOVE their job, but they are independent, getting paid, and have time for family and friends. I compare that to the path I've chosen. A year out of college, then 4 years of med school, then at LEAST 3, but maybe up to 7 years of residency, and then finally coming out. It seems SO extreme and different haha. But I've learned the lesson long ago that everyone has their unique path, and I know I would not give up my love of medicine for a temporary job even if it paid me well. And you know what, those 7 years will go by quickly. I mean, I'm almost graduating, and I can still remember back to the days of my freshman year of high school which was 7 years ago, and I don't feel that different/like I've come that far. WHICH MEANS....which means I can be somewhere completely different in 7 years or I could be in the same place going around in a circle, feeling stuck, and dissatisfied  Sure it's a lot of work, but what isn't? Isn't it even more painful to be doing something over and over again that you don't like? I'm trying to learn from the mistakes of other people, those who had "wasted" time/taken the long winding road because they couldn't figure out what they wanted.

Good luck to everyone out there who is finding difficulty following their passions,  but is sticking to them because you know that it will bring you happiness and a one-of-a-kind sense of fulfillment you cannot get from elsewhere!

Light Rain

(Courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/visitpa/4112912988/)

The light rain falls, lightly over the city, on this warm September day, and it reminds me of fluttering snow flakes. In just a short period of time, the atmosphere has transformed, and the distant lights become warmer, and sitting here reading with my hot cup of cappucino and listening to piano music becomes quite a lovely experience. The smoke rises from the tops of buildings and blends in with the rest of the grey world. I wonder what each person is experiencing at this exact moment. The rain comes down now horiztontally, and sometimes the wind carries it sideways up, and spinning. A mist has settled over the city and the tall skyscrapers are fading to white. I feel like I'm up in the clouds now!

Have you been awestruck lately?

The Biological Advantage of Being Awestruck - by @JasonSilva from Jason Silva on Vimeo.

This video tells us about why it's good for us to be awestruck- it gives us a sense of wonder and adds meaning into life. The world can seem so broken one moment when you are caught in the midst of everything, feeling like there's no end in sight. And yet, when you gaze up into the night sky, pondering at the distant stars that stand, immobile, blinking silently, a sense of calm washes over you and you feel that somehow things will turn out alright. Not now maybe, but you have faith that it will, and that's enough.

Things and moments that make us awestruck expand our consciousness, and connects us deeper with everything around us. It's as if something miraculous is happening, and we're simply observers gazing upon our own existence.

I distinctly remember an experience I had in middle school. It was sometime during the middle of science class, and I was sitting by the window, zoning out into the sky. Of course, when I look out most of the time, I'm still aware that yes, I'm just looking out the window, I'm still sitting in a desk, my feet rested on the ground, my back touching chair, my hands propped on the surface of the table, the teacher talking in the background, classmates passing notes to one another....all those senses are still intact. But this time was different.

I must of have entered some kind of weird trance/daydream event where all of a sudden, I felt at first that I was sucked out into space and all the familiar surroundings disappeared (there were no longer classmates next to me, the ground beneath my feet were gone, the entire classroom dissolved) and it was just me (getting smaller and smaller) and empty space (stretching farther and farther). It was both frightening and awe-inspiring. I remember having these feelings and thoughts flood into me that I've never experienced in my life. In one breath, I experienced how SMALL and insignificant I was compared to the entire Universe. The size of the scale overwhelmed me, literally. I became so small that I felt "nothingness," non-existence. The second thing came to me as a thought as a result of this feeling: it is completely unbelievable, a miracle, that we all EXIST. Just EXISTENCE itself is so strange, wonderful, and against all probabilities. In a SPACE previously of emptiness, devoid of anything...for Non-emptiness to come along is mindblowing. Why wasn't there just nothing, emptiness for all of eternity. If there is existence, there must be non-existence, and the chance of non-existence should be much much MUCH greater than existence, since non-existence requires no energy, no..nothing. Why, HOW do we even exist? This question bore down on me, but before I had a chance to explore it some more, to grab ahold of it, I returned to my current reality. The teacher's voice came back and the windows had screens across them once more, and I look into my classmate's bored expressions which impatiently eyed the clock. But for many minutes afterwards when the emotions slowly left me, I was speechless, and like a fading dream, I could not grasp it as hard as I tried.

I have perhaps pondered the meaning of existence abstractly, but I've never felt it so VISCERALLY throughout my entire body and mind. That little experience shifted my perspective on life, and I was infused with the deepest awe for all that was life, and even non-life, but for things just existing at all. And my own ability to ponder my existence. How strange, and beautiful. I felt like I would go crazy thinking about it now, but I knew that I experienced some "truth". We are a miracle, and no accident. There is something much greater in life to explore, and I was dead set on discovering what it was.

As I got older, I became more and more aware of the world, and noticed things in front of me that I previously could not see. Although we all live on the same planet, many people don't really live "here" but rather some place in their heads. I became more prone to seeing beauty in all sorts of places, and my breath would be caught by the scent of flowers while walking past a corner in the city, the gorgeous fluffy clouds in the sky, the comforting, meditative chirp of cicadas during the summer, the sun setting across a river on a run, the warm breeze that tickles and runs up my skin, the blinding sparkling snow crunching underneath my boot, a cup of warm chocolate against my hand on a rainy afternoon, the trees, the grass, the leaves, the veins....water. How smooth and velvety it was to touch. How powerful it was rushing down a waterfall. How I thirsted for it after ingesting salty foods. How cool, refreshing it was to bathe in. I was just enraptured by it all, anything that was not created by man, and anything that was beautifully created by man to exist in harmony with nature.

Although I still have not found my answer, I'm as passionate as I ever was, and I look forward each and every day to experiencing the magnificence that can be found anywhere.

What has made you awestruck?

Moved into Dorm; Ready for a Third Year!

Just moved into my new dorm and unpacked, which only took about 5 hours! Each year I tell myself to bring less things, and I really tried to, but somehow I still came to Penn with a huge amount of stuff (mainly clothes XD). But anyway, I'm in a double with my very good friend, and I have a fantastic view of the entire Philadelphia city. It is so beautiful, and what's even more convenient is that on top of one of the buildings, is a scrolling bar which gives both the time as well as the temperature in giant flashing numbers. Thus, I only have to glance out my window to see it! Unfortunately, a good portion of my view is blocked by the Huntsman building (Wharton's most famous building). Not cool.

Still, it feels great to have moved back in officially on campus. For the latter half of the summer, I've just been living off campus with the dear old mice in an old smelly house. I quickly moved out of there today, and the final thing I have to do is return my keys! Living on campus feels amazing.

So I'm not a great decorator so my walls are pretty bare. Waiting to see an awesome poster while walking around the city to decorate my room. I'm also thinking about getting these little lantern-lights!

Aren't they pretty? I like lights are dim and soothing, especially when it nears Christmas and the holiday seasons. You just feel so warm and safe inside.

Anyway, I'm going to talk a little about the goals I have this coming semester. I know that the one thing I feel about being back, is how fast time is going to go by. Just as the other two did, and my college career will be over. Back in high school, kids always wanted to finish as soon as possible. I know I did. Man, four years with a small group of kids you knew since middle and elementary school could get a little boring. And then once you found out you were accepted, all you could think about was getting to your college. But in college, I haven't heard of people wanting to "get out of here," in fact, I keep hearing of recent grads really missing college and complaining about the real world. Hehe, I'm not in a rush to grow up and face the realities of the real world. Although I really don't like exams and the stress, I have to admit, I definitely like school vs. working in an office for the rest of my life.

Thus, this year (well let's start with this semester), I want to increase my G.P.A and do the best I can in all of my classes. It's definitely going to be a challenge but I'm up for it! This year, I won't let anyone guilt trip me into doing something I don't like. Here's a great quote that I found:

“As you proceed on your path you will find that you just can’t make everyone happy. In fact, you can’t make anyone happy because happiness must come from within and is always a personal choice. This can be difficult to accept as so many of you were raised and conditioned to put your focus on pleasing others and because of this, have a great fear of negative judgment. Do your best, stay focused on your own unique path and understand that judgment from others comes through the filter of what would be best for them, and not at all from knowledge of what would be best for you. Ironically, by the time a person would have the vantage point to truly understand your unique path, they would have long evolved beyond the energies of judgment. So, stay true to your path, give yourself permission to be the expert on you, and stand firm in what you know is your truth.”


I know that sometimes we get swayed by what we think others want us to do, and it feels selfish to put our "needs" above theirs by tending to our studies or personal well being, but this is different from reaching out to someone who is in need and temporarily putting their need before your own. Oftentimes, it's just that the person either judges you for studying too much, or not studying enough, or not doing something they think you should, or pressuring you. But no, when it comes to these petty things that you don't REALLY want to do, then don't give into the pressure and waste your time. You have bigger goals and dreams that you must tend to and focus on. Minimize other distractions. This is my goal for the semester.

What are yours? 

Can you feel the transition from Summer to Autumn?

"Through celebrations in their seasons are the deeper powers of human nature realized."

-Rudolf Steiner

So today, in the Northeast was a completely cloudy, with a certain chill in the air. For many summer days, it's been hot and muggy, no signs of any changes, except there was more rain. But today was significantly different. The air was calmer, and I realized I haven't heard the loud sounds of cicadas for a while now. It is the first time I had to done a sweater (and not because of the highly air conditioned office I work in) to stand outside at night. 

More than anything, I love the changing of seasons. The subtle transitions that are hard to observe if you don't spend most of your time out-of-doors. I love how it slowly is revealed to you as you go about your daily life. It drags us out of the mundaneness of the mechanical life we sometimes are subjected to and makes us realize that we too are part of the cyclical nature. 

Many cultures celebrate the Autumn Equinox for it is a time of great joy and harvesting. The trees start to lose their pigment and for us, it's a magical transformation to see the leaves change from green to red, orange, and yellow. The colors are ridiculously bright and shine through even on a cloudy day. It stimulates my senses and fill my heart with joy. 

In the real world, school starts for many students across the world, and I too am going back to college for my 3rd year. It means shopping for fresh notebooks, binders, pencils, and highlighters. These simple tools will aid us in filling our heads with knowledge, though it also promises the stress of exams. But even then, all we need to do is to walk outside, put our hands on the bark of a tree, walk barefoot onto the dewy morning grass, or sit on the benches and enjoy some warm tea, to feel the magnificent, loving force of nature that surrounds us all the time. The sterile buildings we work or live in today only separate us farther from the great outdoors. We must leave them for fresh air, or reside in an old-fashioned stone home with a real fireplace that provides the warmth we need against the incoming cold. 

Needless to say, I'm greatly looking forward the experience of Autumn. 

Is anyone else happily looking forward to school? :D 

Reflection of "Why Beauty Matters" - Roger Scruton Part I

Last night, I watched the above intriguing BBC film called "Why Beauty Matters," based on an essay written by Roger Scruton. To give a short synopsis, he gives the compelling argument that while beauty seems to be of no use- it cannot function like technology to make our lives tangibly easier, it is something we have a great craving for, but is deeply being desecrated in our modern society. 

What is beauty:

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder....sometimes. Beauty is both subjective and objective.  It's subjective because we all have unique preferences, and while one thing can bring someone to tears, it can have absolutely no effect on another. It is however objective in the way how things can be generally appeasing to the eye, whether it be symmetrical faces, cultural standards of fitness, harmonious colors, or well ordered or accurately it depicts nature. 

The things we call beautiful are only representations of beauty. I believe that the essence of beauty can only be experienced and felt. Perhaps there is no adequate English word to describe the feeling of beauty, or perhaps it is a mix of many different emotions. We all know what is beautiful when we experience it: a beautiful face that captivates our attention, a natural landscape where sunlight hits the leaves dancing in the wind, a culinary dish that stimulates the tiny taste receptors on our tongue, a sorrowful melody, a warm caress of a loved one, or even an idea that comes into our minds in the middle of the night which inspires us.

Butterflies poised at the edge of the waterfall at Ricketts Glenn State Park

When we experience beauty, something within us is stimulated and we feel a set of emotions, which could range from happiness to sadness, nostalgia for the past or shining hope of the future. It renders us speechless as we let these feelings wash over us, and gently dwell in their transitory presence. Perhaps in the end, we feel reverence, connection with something greater than ourselves but also a part of us, and we are changed for the better mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

The importance of beauty:
Yes, beauty may not be of any use or value in the conventional sense, as was pointed out in the film. I also held this thought about those who pursued physical beauty before. In middle school, I remember a girl I saw putting on makeup right before gym class. She had to make sure her skin would not shine with perspiration, eyelashes thick with mascara, and hair neatly brushed as though she were going to dinner, not out on the 80 degree blacktop to play tag football. As a child, the only kind of "beauty" that anyone talked about was physical, and for me, it seemed pointless. Running around would surely mess up her efforts, and would not increase her performance during the game. What's the use of looking good if you didn't have any intellect or skill? What's the use of dressing well if you weren't competent at the job you applied? Yet, I did not realize how narrow my view of what "beauty" was.

I took a class called "Classical Chinese Thought" where we studied several different ancient Chinese philosophers like Confucius, Mencius, Sun Tzu (author of "The Art of War"), and Mo Zi, and I remembering learning that Mo Zi was completely against a category of activities he considered to be "frivolities" that would detract from human efficiency and a powerful nation. Thus, he wanted to ban the arts, especially music, dance, painting, and rituals.

But Mo Zi was wrong to say that engaging in beautiful activities and creating beauty was useless. Rituals have had a profound influence on human life, in cultures all across the world. You may ask what does worship function. Well it feeds the soul.

In the film, Scruton points out that "human life is full of chaos and suffering and the remedy is beauty". It can transform the inevitability and seemingly senselessness of death (in all its different forms) to something meaningful.

For example, slow sad melodies can help us sort our emotions and even release what we feel. This is because we recognize the emotion that is transmitted through the music as something we feel and what others must feel. It binds humanity together and says, "look, you're not alone." We begin to truly understand that death is integral to life, that nature has its own set of laws that we are both bound by and liberated by. 

"If we lose beauty, we will lose the meaning of life."- Scruton

Has anyone read "Man's search for Meaning?" The author argues that humans need meaning in order to continue living. What about those people who believe that life has no meaning? Well, they can squander time, do drugs, and indulge in base pleasures. After all, there should be no spiritual repercussions from these actions, since they don't believe in religion. But spiritual does not mean religious either. Spiritual is divine, is nature, and even transcends the boundaries of religion. And above all, people's indulgence in base desires are even symptoms of spiritual need, but because they have no faith in something greater, they seek to fill that gap through earthly and physical pleasures.

They believe that it is freedom, but it still it is not.  They are still a cog in the wheel, rebellious against society for sure, but they have not transcended. What is the point of transcendence? It''s following a greater desire  that you understand when you are truly in touch with yourself. Why do we pursue what we pursue? Simply because. Just as the flowers who grow towards the sun, do not ask why, we too are drawn to something divine, which is expressed through the beautiful. 

  

Why a Good Cry Can Help You Stay Sane

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People usually get uncomfortable or immediate react with pity when you tell them that you cried. They think that maybe you’re overly sensitive, or plain weak. They don't know what to do. Of course, they're compelled to comfort you, but are also a bit repelled by the complete uncontrollable flood of emotions that is rolling in waves off of you. Thus, they want to just hand you a towel and not get their own feet wet. I think if I didn't get this reaction all the time, I would be able to not hold in the tears so much until I could find a private place and even then, go under the covers and muffle my sobs.

To me, crying is such a natural bodily ritual that not doing it from time to time actually feels detrimental to my physical and mental well-being. It feels like I'm releasing all the tension, stress, and toxins in my system and purging all the negative buildup accumulated in my body and mind. An analogy would be like retching after eating bad food. Think how uncomfortable and harmful it would be if you resisted that natural urge! Well crying is the same, but because it has a social stimga attached to it (that anyone who cries must not be emotionally stable), it is far less accepted in a public setting and even sometimes makes the individual feel shame to cry in front of himself. This is terrible because crying actually lets you regain control, feel at peace, refreshed, energized, ready to start over after a couple of hiccups and loud sobs. Let me show you.

Yesterday I convulsively cried for 5-7 mins after getting into a very personal argument with my parents that left me extremely hurt and angry. Yet, I almost did it because my body compelled me to. It was like my body telling me, “go retch and feel better” and I did. I cried, loud and hard, letting the waves of emotions crash over my head and fill the room. I wailed with sorry and screamed with rage, almost exaggerating my feelings. I punched my bed repeatedly and threw myself down on the ground. I cried until I released it all. The effects were immediate. After the bodily ritual was over and I was done sobbing and wailing, I recovered so fast. I felt no residual anger at my parents (after all it was a small argument), but I remember the feeling of built up tension in my chest and I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

At college, when you cry people think that you must be depressed or something, but it is natural and it needs to happen. You do not need to comfort me, but just accept it and not judge me. I am not weak nor depressed. In fact, I'm very happy with my life and barely hold any anger for things I felt hurt by. Those emotions are let go, released into the universe which will take care of it, returning only peace and inner happiness back to me. I am more stable than ever and feel like I can face it all...because I know how to fall hard, roll, and get right back up. It’s only something that I need to do. Nothing is wrong. I just need to cry :D

Have you ever felt this way?

To Trust in Your Path

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For anyone who has had the pleasure of reading "Daughter of the Forest" by Juliette Marillier probably remembers the perfect-in-her-imperfect-way heroine, Sorcha. I remember reading that book for the first time way back and thinking how the font was so small and the book was so thick, but just in a few sittings, I absorbed the entire book and to this day, its fluent and poetic writing that painted such beautiful scenes are still etched in my memory. Sorcha was definitely someone I looked up to, and I know that in difficult times, I remember how much pain and obstacles she endured for something she truly believed in, and how everything turned out alright, even though at the last minute she was in the greatest peril.

Some of her strengths is that she recovers quickly from set backs and doesn't let anything stop or discourage her. I want to have that kind of strength, to never be beaten down, to trust in the path you were given. Even if it’s hard, it’s worth it. There is injustice but you don’t lose hope to injustice and the folly of it all. You don’t lose that meaning and purpose even when all others have given up and felt powerless to fear to the uncertainty. 

But we are all victims to our doubts: what if I never reach my goal and all my hard work will be in vain? For Sorcha, she was so close to losing everything at the end, at the fingertips of a deathly fire. Yet, out of no way, a way seemed to have been made. In the book, the fair folk (nature spirits) like to play and torture mortals, though not for nothing. The reward is there if the humans hold out. If you keep persisting and trusting in your mission. Thus, I must do the same. I try to keep my cool, and let it all out when I feel powerless, but to do every little thing I can, and don’t consider whether in the end it will make a difference or not, whether it was all in vain, a waste. If you put your heart and soul into something, the result can never be a waste, so you must trust it. Even as the situation turns for the worse, you must be on the lookout to spot opportunities which can pull you up again. Whatever was destroyed can be built again, with love and care. A broken heart can be mended, and slowly to love an trust again. It will feel betrayal, but it will find its sure footing and path once more. As sure as the sun rises in the sky, as the wheel turns and the story continues.

Another thing I learned is that you choose your own ending. If you follow your heart, you surely will find your heart’s content. Don’t forget to enjoy the little things on the way, and don’t look back at what could have been. What’s been done is done. It cannot be undone. Do not blame and curse if no work results. Cast your burdens and release them. Don’t completely blame yourself for being the indirect cause of misfortune. And remember light triumphs all. There is no darkness except the absence of light. Even on the cloudiest day, when it seems like your world is wrapped in a gloomy, gray shroud, just beyond the clouds where you cannot see, the sun continues to shine just as brightly, and the sky is always always the deepest blue. You can bet on it. You will see the sun and feel its warm rays again, beaming love and nourishment, knowing that it is contributing to the evolving life on earth. Oh how happy is the sun!

Have you seen lightning literally "run" across the sky?- A Storm Hits During Dinner

Courtesy of akhater from deviantart from http://akhater.deviantart.com/art/Thunderstorm-over-Beirut-101982150

When I returned home, and we sat down for a comfy family dinner, I felt a great gust of wind whipping the leaves about on a tree in back of our house. At that moment, dinner abandoned, I raced outside and danced in the grass. I felt the immense power of the wind, calling me, playing with me. One moment it would be deadly still, save the scurrying movement of the clouds and the eerie silence of all the animals and creatures holding their breath, then in the next, in one swift moment, the wind flipped your hair over and ticked your sides. I lay on the grass and watched the sky transforming. And when you felt the first drops of rain, you know the sky’s about to break. One fell right into my eyes and that’s when I decided it wasn’t too fun to stare straight up at the open sky. 

Drop by drop, momentum gathers, and a sudden wash as if there was a dam, and its barricade had dissolved. Like a giant wave or perhaps flood is a more accurate description, the rain pounds down on the ground, on the tops of our car, water to metal, playing a very metallic drum. All of a sudden, the world turns dark. What was once the delicate smooth edges of pan-fried shrimp, was not a lumpy dark mass sitting in even more impenetrable darkness. The darkness, you could feel it. The place where I live is not out in the woods, but I have experienced that darkness too. Deep in the woods, with trees all around, and even with a clearing, when clouds are covering the moon, you could not hope to walk a few feet ahead without completely losing sense of direction, or certainty. You must let all of that go, and surrender, for if you try to hold on to it for long, you will certainly be driven mad. 

Only when you let go, can you find freedom and peace. Surrender to the power of nature. Gasp, I see a brave little plane rising higher with its blinking lights. How close it comes to the lightning. What brave people, or perhaps foolish people would be on that plane. I wish for the best. Nature is not to be a force to be reckoned with. Sit back in awe is the best way to experience it. And the rumbling thunders, a deep bass, deeper than any sound I’ve heard. The vibrations travel through the ground, and I feel it shake my bones in the hollow o my heart. It flips around my stomach and the sound gets so low, so that describing it with ears is insufficient. It must be felt by the sensations in your body. Going up and down from the tips of the head to your wiggling toes.

As the lightening strikes in the sky not too far away, a hue of purple paints the sky instantaneously, and then disappears to a mellow light orange caused by the setting sun. And suddenly as my eyes are fixed on the sky, it finally decides to put on a little show. Three lines of lightning, starting from the north almost dances, no sprints across the sky. I guess that’s where people get the term “lightning fast” from. That is the first moment in my life that I’ve seen lighting race across the sky. AND AGAIN.!!! Though it seemed like perhaps its movements weren’t random. It looked like it’s entire path was already determined, and the light traveled along that given path in a blink of an eye. Before today, I’ve only seen stationary lightening. What a gift. The rain is very light now, not like the heavy downpour a few minutes ago. Other lightning light up the entire sky, and for a second, I saw color again. Instead of all brown and black, I see a flash of green of the grass and trees.

Interesting how I haven’t been bitten by a mosquito…well, I shouldn’t curse my luck.

Why I'm starting this blog

I've already been on this planet for 20 years, and while I don't know how much time I have left, I guess I want to share something and contribute a little happiness to people through the use of creative writing. I love to write, but everything I write, I usually keep hidden to myself because I find writing extremely personal. For the first time, I want to open up and share my thoughts with different people beyond my closest friends. I'm sure this blog will evolve over time, but I hope it keeps its sweetness and stays true to its mission of bringing joy to others. Life is quite beautiful, isn't it? So, why keep it to ourselves?

So what, specifically is it that I want to share? I'm not quire sure myself, but "it" could be the transmittance of emotions, life lessons, brilliant realizations, dreams, spur of creative energy, poems, or quiet musings on a rainy day (yes, I get those a lot). We'll see.